On Medieval Times

 My sister and I took the kids to Medieval Times tonight.  I had never been and it was on my cheesy things I need to do bucket list.  Here are...

7 Thoughts On Medieval Times:


1.  We had the Yellow Knight.  He looked like the puffy guitarist from Ben Folds Five so I developed a little crush on him.

2.  Very few men cannot pull off long hair. The Yellow Knight really didn't either, but I forgave him. 

3.  Ad got a "rose" thrown to her but another little girl stole it.  The Yellow Knight was nice enough to throw another one to her.

4.  Ry farking lurved the sword fighting.  He was almost embarrassingly loud in his cheering. 

5.  I have a feeling that the actors in Medival Times would do very well at WWF wrestling.  Is it even called WWF anymore?

6.  My son got the vegetarian plate because he wouldn't eat anything but rice.  

7.  My sister and I kept our crowns on in the car and I waved at passing cars on the way home.

On baseball

I think baseball is boring as crap to both watch and play.

*But* as a single mom, I don't get to tell the kids to go play with their dad, so instead we play a more interesting version at our house.

Keep in mind I have not played baseball in, like, 20 years. I am pretty sure I remember the real rules, but I don't really remember the exact batter stance or where to put your fingers on a ball when you are going to throw or pitch it. I also don't care. :P

With this in mind here is how our baseball game went this evening:

1. Ry (6) is the batter. I am the pitcher. Ad (4) is the security guard. The security guard chases after balls and dances. Kind of a combo of the catcher, fielder, and mascot.

2. Ry misses 90% of my throws. Mostly because I have poor aim.

3. When Ry does hit the ball he runs around in the front yard. Apparently I fed him something that did not agree with his tummy because every time he runs he farts. Every time he farts he yells, "I can't stop farting!!! I am like I fart rocket!" I am sure our neighbors think we are super classy.

4. Ad gets bored with standing around and informs me that if I need her I will have to call 81818. I think she is kidding, but every time I need her to get the ball I have to yell out that number or she wont move. Then she tells me that she is going on vacation so I will have to get the balls from then on.

5. Ry hits the ball and starts running the bases and Ad starts following him. He continues to have "issues". Ad yells "Stop farting!" Ry yells, "Haha, I got fart molecules on you." I threaten to go inside if everyone can't control if not their bodily functions, then at least their mouths.

6. Ad declares that the security guard has a security garden and we will all have to stop playing for 5 minutes to watch her flower show. I am still not sure what a flower show is even after watching it.

7. Ry hits one last ball and he and Ad both run around the front yard yelling we all are winners! Then as a last hurrah, Ryan rips one at his sister and cracks up. Ad starts crying.

So there you have it, our version of baseball. I am raising some fine baseball players. However, I think we will practice in the backyard from now on.

On This Time Last Year

This time last year my face was falling off.

It is weird to go back and read my blog and think how much life has changed in a year. Not all of it for the worse.

A year ago, I would have laughed you out of the room if you told me I would be divorced, living back home, and back in school. And yet here I am. When school is over I will have the opportunity to work in a field that is both intellectually and personally fulfilling. If my ex-husband hadn't started down his weird path to destroy his life around this time last year I would probably never have gotten the opportunity to pursue this career. Not that that makes up for how badly his actions has affected our kids, but it is still a nice flower growing out of the manure he dumped on us.

Additional updates from the above post as follows:

- My daughter was fully potty trained 3 months after that post.

- My nose still looks pierced.

- I have not eaten steal cut oats since that morning.

- Earthquakes are still sad.

- Scott Walker is still a douche. (Whose campaign sends literature to my dead grandparents who were from Illinois so what is up with that?)

- My kids are still cute.

On a Random Quicktake

11 Random thoughts because I don't have the inclination to put together a coherent blog post.

1. Neurology is super interesting. I love how our brains are put together, so intricate. It is also super scary to know how one little blood clot or tumor can fuck it up.

2. Today we had to watch video of individuals with different types of aphasia. One type effected physical production and the other effected speech comprehension and coherent production. Some of the people in the class laughed at the poor guy that had the later aphasia. I get that it was odd and uncomfortable to watch, but... The video just made me sad for the poor guy. You judge.



See? Not funny.

2. My son loves LEGO Star Wars. He makes "scenes" out of them every dang day. Yesterday he tore apart a bunch of them and called the scene The Ruins of Naboo. I know I am his mom, but I am pretty sure he is brilliant. :P

3. Speaking of which I had him tested for gifted a few weeks ago. I wonder how he does on standardized tests?

4. Speaking of Star Wars, I kind of find Star Wars super boring. I frequently zone out when my son talks to me about it. Smile and nod. Smile and nod.

5. I also think Transformers are lame.

6. My new show is Dance Moms on Lifetime. It all has to be fake. Seriously. Who lets their kid get yelled at everyday by some a-hole? Who wants to watch that? Oh yeah, me. Watching those parents makes me feel better about myself.

7. I am afraid my kids are going to be messed up because their dad is such a screw up. How did I not see this coming? It is odd to think of the double life my ex must have been leading. If he could have just been a normal screw up that had a normal affair we all would be much better off right now.

8. It is weird to talk nicely to the ex. But I am an adult and capable of acting like one to get business done.

9. My cat has to move out. I wrote a personal ad for her today. It will be up on petfinder soon. I am sad about this and cried all day Saturday about it. Mostly because when I told my daughter the kitty had to find a new home she started crying and told me that I made her heart hurt. The cat will be so much happier without 3 roommates though. If anyone knows someone who wants a 7 year old declawed female let me know. I will drive her almost anywhere.

10. I am ready for spring.

11. I love Crocs.

On Quick Take Friday 12-30-11

7 Random Thoughts

1. I have a reoccurring dream of air planes crashing. I have one about every 6 months. I am never in the plane, I always just watch it crash. It now freaks me out to see airplanes flying low because I bet someday I will see a real plane crash. I am pretty sure I am a little bit psychic. Example:

2. While I had no idea how drastically my life would change this year, at the beginning of the year I had this weird feeling that something bad was going to happen. My life went on as normal and it wasn't a feeling based on any observations. When my grandma died I thought maybe that was it but the feeling didn't go away. After the shit hit the fan and everything died down I actually felt kind of relieved that at least I didn't have any weird ominous premonition feelings anymore. At least I knew what I was dealing with and the weird feeling went away.

3. My cat is snoring.

4. It is odd to think that I might get remarried someday. I don't think I want anymore kids though. I was done with two. If I did have more it would only be one. I would feel bad though because I would not stay home with it. Pumping would be a pain in the ass too.

5. Plus apparently Rockford is totally anti-VBAC. Even though I have already had one successful VBAC, apparently once you are a VBAC you are always a VBAC. I could always just squat in my bathtub I guess. :)

6. It is funny that I have thought out any possible future births I don't even really plan to have.

7. Whenever my son acts out on his anger I want to punch my ex-husband in the balls. Hard. I didn't sign up for this gig.

On My Three Year Old's Morning

Three year olds are mysterious.

Even after having 2 I still haven't quite figured them out.

Example:

6:45 this morning I was sleeping soundly. I had slept through my husband's alarm and him getting out of bed.

I was awakened from this deep sleep by a scratching noise in my closet.

We have a little cat who likes to go into the closet and jump on some boxes I store in there. So being the morning person I am I mumble, "Knock it off kitty!" and throw my headband (that was sitting on my nightstand) at the closet door.

The noise stopped. I figured I had startled the cat enough to get her to stop and drifted back to a light sleep.

Then a few minutes later a creepy singing noise starts coming from the closet. It doesn't really sound like my kid. So I get worried that I am being visited by the children of the corn or a poltergeist.

Then, right as I was starting to get concerned, out of my closet pops my daughter.

I ask her what she was doing in there and she says she wanted to go in there to play with her doll. I ask if her dad brought her into our room and she says, no she came in on her own.

I am not at all sure what her thought process was and why she felt the need to play in my closet in the dark, but whatever.

So then I ask how long she has been out of bed, but since she has no real concept of time she cannot answer that to my satisfaction.

She does tell me that she woke up because she wanted a poptart, but she couldn't get the box open.

I later find the poptart box has teeth marks on it.

Such are the ways of the mysterious three year old...

On Quick Take Friday- May 13 Edition

7 Random Thoughts

1. Pomegranate schnapps and sierra mist tastes like cranberry sierra mist. Dangerous!

2. Today is Friday the 13th. I have always liked Friday the 13ths. My son was born on a Friday the 13th. I used to have fun slumber parties and watch cheesy slasher flicks on Friday the 13th. I also heart Halloween.

3. Regina Spektor is still extremely awesome. Even if (or maybe because) she makes random dolphin noises in songs.

4. I had a stressful day with my son at the eye doctor today. He needs glasses for hyperopia. I feel bad we never noticed, but I guess it is common not to notice in young kids because they overcompensate with other eye muscles which can lead to lazy eyes or cross eyes. So I am glad we caught everything so we wont have to deal with that down the road.

5. I am going to brag that my kid has been able to read since he was 4. Brag, brag, brag. Like really read, he and his dad read small chapter star wars books together and trade off pages.

6. Yes, I am raising a nerd. I am okay with that.

7. My son and his friends apparently played bounty hunters at preschool. I wonder what their teachers thought of that. When I asked him what bounty hunters did he told me, "There is no where to hide from a bounty hunter." Some day I expect he will grow a mullet and chase people around Hawaii.

On a Conversation Between Me and My Five Year Old

Overheard on the way to 3 year old's ballet practice...

Me: Your grandpa is in Texas right now.

5 year old: Is that near Florida?

Me: No. It is straight south of here. Your uncle is in Florida right now though.

5 yo: I know that. You don't have to keep telling me stuff.

Me: Well, okay then.

5 yo: He is going to a wedding?

Me: Yes.

5 yo: Will those people have a baby?

Me: The people getting married? I don't know. Maybe.

5 yo: Why did you and dada have babies?

Me: Um.

5 yo: Because you wanted more people to help clean the house?

Me: Uh no. The messes you guys make far exceeds any cleaning you do.

5 yo: I am not messy. (Drops a kleenex on the floor of the car)

Me: Sure.

5 yo: So why did you have babies?

Me: Your dad and I wanted other people to love.

5 yo: But you already had dada.

Me: Well, yeah. But we wanted you guys too.

5 yo: Ahh. So why did you make me first?

Me: (Thinks: OMG, how do I make this conversation stop. Do I go with the scientific reason he came first or cop out?)

Me: Well, God just made you first I guess.

5 yo: Ahh, he knew I liked being first all the time.

Me: So he did.

On Quick Take Friday- March 11 Edition

7 Random Thoughts

1. My face is almost all healed. It seriously was the better part of a month messing around with it. A word of advice, don't get a strep infection on your face.

2. I think I am going to look like I have a healed over nose piercing on the side of my nose.

3. I tried steel cut oats this morning. I like them better then oatmeal. Much less mushy.

4. My 3 year is still refusing to be potty trained. Yesterday she peed on the floor. Before having kids I used to think I would move if someone peed, pooped, or puked all over my floor. Now, I can't tell you how many times my carpet steamer has cleaned those vile messes. Kids are really gross.

5. I have seen a lot of the logical fallacy Reductio ad Hitlerum on facebook lately. On both sides. Dudes. Just because Hitler liked dogs that does not mean all dogs are bad. Yes, Scott Walker is huge douche, but ethnic cleanser he is not. Yes, Obama wants to promote antismoking bans, but that does not mean he is one step away from erecting concentration camps. It wayyyyy cheapens your arguments to just shout "Nazi" at whomever you are mad at.

6. All these earthquakes lately are sad and scary.

7. It is neat to watch my kids get better at activities they have been participating in this spring. My son has improved a lot in tumbling and my daughter is really picking up ballet. It is cute to hear her repeat all the french terms for the moves she does.

On Quick Take Friday- March 4 Edition

7 Random Thoughts

1. This Charlie Sheen stuff is nuts and sad. I have always found him to be a likable character. Even when he was involved in all that high priced hooker business he still managed to come off as a lovable scamp. Now? Not so much. There is lovable scamp and then there is bat shit crazy, and poor Charlie is firmly planted in the latter category.

2. Why do hospitals bother to give you an "unofficial" birth certificate? It is utterly useless. Why can't you just get an official copy before you leave the hospital???? That would be to convenient probably.

3. My son is all registered for kindergarten. He will go full days next year. He is super excited.

4. We started our seeds for our container garden. Peas, beans, and carrots. No tomatoes this year. Tomatoes taste like poison and no one in my family eats them.

5. I bet my mom and dad never thought they would see the day when I would voluntarily eat squash. I also bet they thought I would get pay back for the dramatic reactions to the no thank you bites I was forced to take of squash in my youth. Well, haha on you mom and dad, my kids eat squash. One even claimed to like it! I don't even mind some varieties now.

6. My black cat snores. It is super annoying.

7. I have never liked Kermit the Frog. He is such a a pushover. Why does he even like Miss Piggy? She is always rude to him. Stupid Muppets.

On How Much You Should Explain to a Three Year Old- Part One

I have always been an explainer.

I seldom can just let things go, and like to fill empty quiet space with chatter.

So when my children ask their bazillion questions everyday I try to give legitimate answers to most of them. I try to talk to them like little adults, and not underestimate what they are capable of understanding.

This doesn't always turn out, however, because although I am preeeety sure my kids are smart, I am also pretty sure they aren't geniuses either.

I don't know if sometimes I am talking above their heads, and I am not sure what they really get out of some explanations.

Example.

One day I somehow got suckered into explaining how babies were made. I decided to take a scientific approach and told my (then) 2 and 4 year old that babies were made from a cell from each parent. Details included naming sperm and eggs as the cells and telling how they joined together and made a baby in the mother's uterus, which was underneath her tummy.

From this, my son took away that I layed eggs like a chicken, and when he was a baby he lived in my butt. (Hey, butts are underneath stomachs I guess.)

And btw, If your 3 year old kid come home from playing with my 3 year old and know that babies come from sperm and eggs, you are welcome. :P

On Why My 3-Year-Old Is Kinda Like a Cliched Rapper

My 3 year old is a funny girl.

She was very verbal at a young age and I love to brag about how smart and awesome she is.

Like every child she has her quirks.

Her current quirk? At times she kind of resembles a stereotypical 90's/early 00's rapper.

Why you ask?

Let me tell ya.

5 Reasons My Daughter Resembles a Cliched Rapper

1. She pronounces the word yeah, "yee-ah-yah". Think Lil Jon. I live with Lil' lil' Jon.

2. She loves her bling. The more bling the better. She would pee her pants (literally since she is not potty trained) over a chunky gold necklace.

3. She randomly bursts out in rhyme.

4. She has an established rivalry. Some days my house feels like an east coast/west coast feud when she and her brother fight.

5. She really likes money. She has been known to throw pennies in the air. Not 100 dollar bills, but a kid has to work her way up.