Wednesday, March 30, 2011

On a Random Sign on a Random Road

I have lived about 2 hours south of my parents since 2001. I make the trek up there every couple of months.

Ever since I have been making this journey there has been a sign on a country road that makes me think every time I drive by it. It is located pretty much in the middle of no where. It is at the corner of a country road in the corn fields of central Illinois. It is a whitewashed board shoved in the ground with scrawling letters and an arrow pointing down the country lane.

The sign reads: Penis Contest ----->


A penis contest?

What happens at a penis contest?

Do penises perform feats of strength?

Is it a beauty contest?


What is happening at this location???

It couldn't possibly be graffiti.

Somewhere, down that lonely country lane, there is a penis winning a gold medal and taking a bow.

Thursday, March 17, 2011

On Why I am not Martha Stewart

I would love to be Martha Stewart. For some reason her demeanor and covert cocky attitude speaks to me. And she makes super cute crap.

Alas, Martha Stewart I am not. But sometimes, like today, I plan to make a half-hearted attempt.

In honor of St. Patrick's Day, I am making corned beef. Not in the crock pot. I am not cheating at all. I peeled the organic carrots and potatoes and measured out the seasonings just like a pioneer woman. Except unlike the pioneer woman I did not raise and slaughter my own cow, my veggies were delivered by Timber Creek, and my seasonings came in a can. I also used an electric stove and a stainless steel pot. So, I guess not really like a pioneer woman at all.

Any who, I planned to cook this beef, but forgot to take the meat out of the freezer to thaw last night, or even this morning.

What would Martha Stewart do?

I have a feeling she would say screw it and make a vegetarian dish or go out to some fancy restaurant.

What did I do?

I dumped that frozen piece of cow flesh into the pot with all the veggies and seasoning and plan to see what come out around 5:30. I hope it is edible.

Maybe I will make a centerpiece out of the carrot peelings.

Martha would be so proud.

Friday, March 11, 2011

On Quick Take Friday- March 11 Edition

7 Random Thoughts

1. My face is almost all healed. It seriously was the better part of a month messing around with it. A word of advice, don't get a strep infection on your face.

2. I think I am going to look like I have a healed over nose piercing on the side of my nose.

3. I tried steel cut oats this morning. I like them better then oatmeal. Much less mushy.

4. My 3 year is still refusing to be potty trained. Yesterday she peed on the floor. Before having kids I used to think I would move if someone peed, pooped, or puked all over my floor. Now, I can't tell you how many times my carpet steamer has cleaned those vile messes. Kids are really gross.

5. I have seen a lot of the logical fallacy Reductio ad Hitlerum on facebook lately. On both sides. Dudes. Just because Hitler liked dogs that does not mean all dogs are bad. Yes, Scott Walker is huge douche, but ethnic cleanser he is not. Yes, Obama wants to promote antismoking bans, but that does not mean he is one step away from erecting concentration camps. It wayyyyy cheapens your arguments to just shout "Nazi" at whomever you are mad at.

6. All these earthquakes lately are sad and scary.

7. It is neat to watch my kids get better at activities they have been participating in this spring. My son has improved a lot in tumbling and my daughter is really picking up ballet. It is cute to hear her repeat all the french terms for the moves she does.

Friday, March 4, 2011

On Hey Dude and Where They Are Now

Go on click the play button.

So my kids were watching Barney on Sprout the other morning and I began to wonder what happened to all the Barney kids. I began contemplating looking them all up on the internet to see what became of them. Then I stopped myself.

Why should I care what happened to the Barney kids? I don't even like Barney. If I am going to waste the time my kids are napping on something it should be worth my time.

That made me think about what shows I did like as a kid, and of course I thought of Hey Dude.

I decided devoting 30 minutes to finding out whatever happened to them was worth it.

And now, I will share it with you. You are so lucky you know me.

Without further ado:

Ted: Duh. He was on Sabrina and Teenage Witch and Blossom (barf). He has aged pretty well and lost a bit of the goofball look. It looks like he is still acting, albeit sporadically and not in anything major.

Melody: Duh again. She is in a bunch of stuff and married to Ben Stiller. She will always be Marcia Brady to me.

Mr. Ernst: Still acting. Married to Dr. Weaver from ER.

Now we get to the hard ones.

Buddy: No acting after the Dude. I think this is Buddy's facebook page. I refuse to ask him though because I am a dork, but not THAT big of a dork.

Brad: Also no acting after turning in her spurs. I am also only pretty sure this is her page since I refuse to ask. She is friends with Buddy so it seems likely. She, like Ted, seems to have aged well.

Danny: He is a mystery. There is an internet rumor he died. There is competing rumor he plays in a bowling league in Tuscon AZ. The last rumor claims he is a car salesman in New Jersey. Who knows. The name Joe Torres is pretty common so take your pic of the many Joe Torres' on facebook.

So there you have it.

Watch out for those man eating jack rabbits and those killer cacti.

On Quick Take Friday- March 4 Edition

7 Random Thoughts

1. This Charlie Sheen stuff is nuts and sad. I have always found him to be a likable character. Even when he was involved in all that high priced hooker business he still managed to come off as a lovable scamp. Now? Not so much. There is lovable scamp and then there is bat shit crazy, and poor Charlie is firmly planted in the latter category.

2. Why do hospitals bother to give you an "unofficial" birth certificate? It is utterly useless. Why can't you just get an official copy before you leave the hospital???? That would be to convenient probably.

3. My son is all registered for kindergarten. He will go full days next year. He is super excited.

4. We started our seeds for our container garden. Peas, beans, and carrots. No tomatoes this year. Tomatoes taste like poison and no one in my family eats them.

5. I bet my mom and dad never thought they would see the day when I would voluntarily eat squash. I also bet they thought I would get pay back for the dramatic reactions to the no thank you bites I was forced to take of squash in my youth. Well, haha on you mom and dad, my kids eat squash. One even claimed to like it! I don't even mind some varieties now.

6. My black cat snores. It is super annoying.

7. I have never liked Kermit the Frog. He is such a a pushover. Why does he even like Miss Piggy? She is always rude to him. Stupid Muppets.

Wednesday, March 2, 2011

On Target Intercoms and Annoying People

Song Prompt Wednesday!

"Gonna get on the microphone down at Wal-Mart
Talk about some shit that's been on my mind"
- Ben Folds, All U Can Eat

How many of you are ever tempted to hijack the intercoms any of the fine retail stores you frequent?

Every time I see one of those phones I want to mess with it.

I have no deep message I want to relay to the masses, I just think it would be funny and help liven up the dull lives of the retail workers.

When I worked at Target we posted the instructions on how to get on the intercom right near the phones so I bet if I investigated I could figure out which magical buttons I need to push.

A girl can dream.