Saturday, December 31, 2011

On Teh Queenly Prospectus

So my friend Chu has a ChÜberlist. It has all the things she wants to get done during the year. I always enjoy reading her list updates and seeing her cross her items off her list. So, I am going to be a big old copy cat.

I don't have a super fun name like Chu. :( Luberlist sounds like something found on a gay porn site. So I am going to be boringly pretentious and call this Teh Queenly Prospectus. While Chu is ambitious and has 100 things she wants to get done, I am going to be lazy and aim for 25. :P More may be added throughout the year.

Without further ado, here is my list:

1. Complete a 30 day Shred.
2. Finalize a life plan by May.
3. Get the divorce finalized.
4. Teach Ad to read.
5. Work on writing with Ry 2 nights a week.
6. Get the kids in swimming lessons.
7. Find a church.
8. Investigate local choirs.
9. Sell the truck.
10. Fit into old pants by June.
11. Get my hair cut every 4 months.
12. Get my hair highlighted.
13. Learn how to do my own eyebrows
14. Get at least a 3.8 every semester.
15. Organize my bedroom.
16. Find a part time job or assistantship
17. Learn either sign language or relearn Spanish.
18. Open a local checking account.
19. Read 6 non fiction books not related to school.
20. Learn how to make a new type of cookie.
21. Get Ad's allergy numbers retested.
22. Drop 2 pant sizes by December.
23. Teach Ry to tie his shoes.
24. Teach both my kids to wipe their own asses.
25. Try a new type of fruit

I can't say I am glad to see 2011 bite the big one. I am not going to tempt fate by claiming 2012 couldn't get much worse then this past year, because as crappy as it was, it definitely could have been worse. Still, I have a good feeling about 2012.

And remember, I am a little psychic.

Friday, December 30, 2011

On Quick Take Friday 12-30-11

7 Random Thoughts

1. I have a reoccurring dream of air planes crashing. I have one about every 6 months. I am never in the plane, I always just watch it crash. It now freaks me out to see airplanes flying low because I bet someday I will see a real plane crash. I am pretty sure I am a little bit psychic. Example:

2. While I had no idea how drastically my life would change this year, at the beginning of the year I had this weird feeling that something bad was going to happen. My life went on as normal and it wasn't a feeling based on any observations. When my grandma died I thought maybe that was it but the feeling didn't go away. After the shit hit the fan and everything died down I actually felt kind of relieved that at least I didn't have any weird ominous premonition feelings anymore. At least I knew what I was dealing with and the weird feeling went away.

3. My cat is snoring.

4. It is odd to think that I might get remarried someday. I don't think I want anymore kids though. I was done with two. If I did have more it would only be one. I would feel bad though because I would not stay home with it. Pumping would be a pain in the ass too.

5. Plus apparently Rockford is totally anti-VBAC. Even though I have already had one successful VBAC, apparently once you are a VBAC you are always a VBAC. I could always just squat in my bathtub I guess. :)

6. It is funny that I have thought out any possible future births I don't even really plan to have.

7. Whenever my son acts out on his anger I want to punch my ex-husband in the balls. Hard. I didn't sign up for this gig.

Friday, November 18, 2011

On Quick Take Friday 11-18-11

7 Random Thoughts

1. I kind of think probably 85% of men are probably disgusting.

2. 15 year olds are pretty dang young and if you are into them then you are a sick fuck and I hope you get butt raped in jail.

3. If you go around saying "karma is real" constantly I will find it hard not to find it ironic if you get cancer.

4. I am totally itching for a verbal fight right now.

5. I don't give a shit if Milwaukee runs an anti-cosleeping ad. I don't feel like the hearts of the people behind the ad are in the wrong place and frankly most people that say they safely co-sleep don't. (Said as a person who actually did safely co-sleep with both of her kids. Hmm, did I?)

6. I think people that don't vaccinate are negligent in lots and lots of ways.

7. I wonder if WAHM every really make any money with their house parties. It is all very very pyramid schemey.

Tuesday, November 15, 2011

On Magic Milk

I just wrote and audiology paper and wanted to share it with my lactivist friends. It is nothing special but I think a few of you will find it interesting. :)

Breastfeeding’s Role in Reducing Otitis Media Induced Hearing Loss

Most new mothers have heard the advertising slogan “Breast is Best”. It is part of an advertising campaign by the federal government to increase breastfeeding rates among American mothers. Much research has been done to uncover the many benefits of breastfeeding which include reduced risk of obesity, reduced incidences of allergies, increased immune systems, and reduced risk of many types of cancer (Sears, 2011). Yet, as wonderful as breast milk is for babies, could there really be any reason to write an audiology paper about the subject? As it turns out, yes there is! Not only does breast milk have all the properties mentioned above, but it also plays a role in preventing hearing loss (Bauman, 2011). Increased immune system, a more hygienic angle for feeding, and natural genetic therapy all lead breastfed babies to have reduced rates of chronic otitis media. As chronic otitis media is a leading cause of conductive hearing loss in children, having fewer incidences of chronic otitis media leads to reduced rates of conductive hearing loss in children.

The first way in which breastfeeding reduces chronic otitis media induced hearing loss is that breastfeeding has been proven to increase a child’s immune system (Sears, 2011). Breast milk contains live cells, like those in blood. These cells contain active antibodies and anti-infective properties. As a result of these properties, breastfed babies, on average, experience fewer hospital stays, doctor’s visits, and illnesses in general. Specifically, researchers at the University of New York's School of Medicine and Biomedical Sciences found that 25% of exclusively breastfed babies had had an ear infection by six months. In comparison, 54% of formula fed babies had experienced an ear infection by six months of age. Further more, these researchers found that formula-feeding was the most significant predictor of chronic inner ear infections (Duncan, 1993).

When a child has otitis media there is almost always fluid in the middle ear. The average hearing loss in ears with fluid is 24 decibels. Thicker fluid can cause a loss, up to 45 decibels. This loss can cause significant detriment to a child’s speech development. (American Academy of Otolaryngology-Head and Neck Surgery, 2011). Therefore, as breastfeeding reduces the incidence of otitis media, it by default reduces the rates of conductive hearing loss in children.

The reduction of otitis media is not limited to the time in which the child is breastfeeding either. It has been shown that the antibodies and anti-infective properties consumed in breast milk continue to protect children against otitis media through their 5th birthdays, and possibly beyond (Duncan, 1993).

The second manner in which breastfeeding protects against otitis media induced hearing loss is that children that are breast fed are naturally held at an inclined position to feed. When the head is held tilted up the milk follows a normal path down the esophagus. However, when a baby is lying flat on his back and sucking on a bottle, formula can find its way into the eustation tubes. (See examples of common feeding positions below.) In infants the eustation tube is much shorter and is more angled. This makes it much easier for bacteria to migrate from the nose and throat up into the middle ear space (American Academy of Otolaryngology-Head and Neck Surgery, 2011). Having formula inside the eustation tubes creates a breeding ground for bacteria and leads to otitis media. (Sears, 2011). As breastfed babies are fed at an angle that is hygienic for the eustation tubes, as a group they experience fewer incidences of otitis media due to this benefit.

Examples of common bottle-feeding and breastfeeding positions:

Pictures are from

The last way in which breastfeeding guards against otitis media induced hearing loss is perhaps the most exciting. In 2006 the University of Texas Medical Branch at Galveston performed a study that indentified two genes that are common in children who have chronic otitis media. These two genes generate immune proteins known as tumor necrosis factor alpha (TNF-alpha) and interleukin 6 (IL-6). (University of Texas Medical Branch at Galveston, 2006). Beyond merely identifying the genes that make children prone to chronic otitis media, the researchers found that breast-feeding neutralized the effect of the genes. Not only that, children were found to be protected from recurrent infections even later in childhood when they were no longer breastfeeding. This is not just another example of the anti-infective properties of breastfeeding, but evidence that breastfeeding has genetically therapeutic qualities. (University of Texas Medical Branch at Galveston, 2006)

Nearly all of the articles referenced in this paper were linked on Le Leche League International’s website. This site and organization is dedicated to promoting the benefits of breastfeeding and supporting mothers whom breastfeed or wish to breastfeed. Le Leche League International reports that despite the benefits of breasting listed above and many, many more, only 15% of American mothers are exclusively breastfeeding at 6 months, as is recommended by the American Academy of Pediatrics. ("Breastfeeding statistics," 2008) Although this number is not simply due to lack of education on the benefits of breastfeeding alone, this lack does play a role in the low rate. It is therefore the role of all medical professionals, including Audiologists and Speech Pathologists, to educate parents and potential parents on the benefits of breastfeeding as a way to reduce the risk of otitis media induced hearing loss.


The American Academy of Otolaryngology-Head and Neck Surgery (2011, November 15). Fact sheet: Chronic otitis media (middle ear infection) and hearing loss. Retrieved from

Bauman, N. (2007, November 03). Breast-feeding reduces ear infections. Retrieved from

Breastfeeding statistics . (2008, September 29). Retrieved from

Duncan, B. (1993) “Exclusive breastfeeding for at least four months protects against Otitis Media”, Pediatrics 91: 872

Sears, W. (2011, November 15). Ear infections. Retrieved from

University of Texas Medical Branch at Galveston (2006, December 9). Breast-feeding Overcomes A Genetic Tendency Toward Ear Infections, Scientists Discover. ScienceDaily. Retrieved November 15, 2011, from¬ /releases/2006/12/061209083450.htm

On a small update

So the queen has not exactly abdicated her thrown, but life sure the f*ck has changed in the last 5 months. :P Don't expect toooooo many updates here my friends, mainly because I am a busy little wanna be royal. Not much time for superfluous writing.

If you are reading this, you probably already know what is going on and if you don't know you can ask and I will probably tell you. That or you can totally just google my bidnez. :P I know I would if I were you. I am so nosy and you are pretty interesting.

I like this blog and don't really want it to die so I may or may not attempt random updates. Let us not hold our breath though because I don't want any of my friends to pass out.

'Til we meet again!

Monday, May 23, 2011

On Music that Makes Me Think of Certain Things

I love how music takes you to people and places in your head.

I heard a song on pandora today and I was instantly transported to my workout routine in '98.

Then I thought, wouldn't correlating music with certain memories make a good blog post?

Then I thought, well it would be interesting to at least like 4 of my readers. And since I probably only have like 4 readers that would make 100%!

So if you don't find this interesting sorry, but please don't burst my bubble and tell me.

Here is just a few musical correlations I have in my head:

It's My Prerogative
makes me think of rollerskating (badly) at Skateland.

Ace of Base
reminds me of youth group trips to Lake Geneva.

Be My Lover and Another Night makes me think of riding around in my friend's red chevette in high school.

Any Sublime or Better then Ezra song makes me think of one of my college roommates.

Gettin' Jiggy With It
make me think of another.

The entire Refreshment's album reminds me of a friend who lived across the hall from me my freshman year.

Otherside reminds me of chilling out in the social room of my dorm in England.

Rest Stop
reminds me of a breakup.

Because I Got High reminds me of my first date with my husband (and no, we did not get high mom.)

Hunger Strike reminds me of my husband's love of all things Pearl Jam. It also makes me think of car rides.

The Luckiest reminds me of my wedding.

We're Going Down reminds be of driving to my never ending OB appointments while I was pregnant with my son. It was like it was on every. single. time.

Sweet Escape reminds me of my son dancing in his car seat as a toddler.

So there is few.

Do you correlate any music with me?

Friday, May 20, 2011

On Quick Take Friday- May 20th Edition

7 Random Thoughts

1. You cannot be a feminist and be against a woman's right to choose what goes on inside her body. Sorry. Dress it up however you want, but you cannot be pro-woman and take away rights to her body. Birth complications and unsafe abortions are some of the highest causes of death for young women across the globe. So taking away safe abortions when they are wanted/warranted is in many cases inviting death, not life.

2. Haha, this is my blog so I can talk about whatever the heck I want.

3. I only got ten bags of rock moved onto our new landscape project before my kid skinned up her knee and we had to go inside. One day the project will be done.

4. Thank you Angela for the clothes yesterday!

5. I have had the meow mix commercial song in my head for 2 days now. Help.

6. Why does insurance have to be so complicated? The glasses we picked out for my son got held up because the vision insurance provider is in the middle of a lawsuit with the frames manufacturer. Really? I just want the stoopid glasses please.

7. I really like the swear word wanker, but I cannot use it because I would sound totally pretentious using it in everyday life. Sad.

Tuesday, May 17, 2011

On My Three Year Old's Morning

Three year olds are mysterious.

Even after having 2 I still haven't quite figured them out.


6:45 this morning I was sleeping soundly. I had slept through my husband's alarm and him getting out of bed.

I was awakened from this deep sleep by a scratching noise in my closet.

We have a little cat who likes to go into the closet and jump on some boxes I store in there. So being the morning person I am I mumble, "Knock it off kitty!" and throw my headband (that was sitting on my nightstand) at the closet door.

The noise stopped. I figured I had startled the cat enough to get her to stop and drifted back to a light sleep.

Then a few minutes later a creepy singing noise starts coming from the closet. It doesn't really sound like my kid. So I get worried that I am being visited by the children of the corn or a poltergeist.

Then, right as I was starting to get concerned, out of my closet pops my daughter.

I ask her what she was doing in there and she says she wanted to go in there to play with her doll. I ask if her dad brought her into our room and she says, no she came in on her own.

I am not at all sure what her thought process was and why she felt the need to play in my closet in the dark, but whatever.

So then I ask how long she has been out of bed, but since she has no real concept of time she cannot answer that to my satisfaction.

She does tell me that she woke up because she wanted a poptart, but she couldn't get the box open.

I later find the poptart box has teeth marks on it.

Such are the ways of the mysterious three year old...

Sunday, May 15, 2011

On Tribes and Communism

So, I used to belong to a parenting group. Some of you reading this are probably in that group or are former members. Often, this group refers to itself as a "tribe".

About once every couple months someone would lament about not living in a communal society/compound where we would grow our own food, take care of each other's kids, and sing kumbaya around a bonfire every night roasting organic marshmallows.

Does this sound nice? In a dirty hippie, don't shave your arm pits sort of way, yes.

In reality though? It would never ever ever ever ever in a hundred million years work out.

Here is what would happen if we all moved into a communist society together:

Fights! Lots of Bitching! Starvation!

Everyone likes the idea of communal babysitting. It sounds nice. It takes a village blah, blah, blah. But. Big but (and I cannot lie) there is no way every one would take turns nicely. Some would take advantage of others generosity and never pitch in (or pitch in just enough to fly under the radar), while others would work their butts off taking turns for other people. Bitterness would be seeded and cultivated as some took on work for others. Everyone likes the idea of being helped, but not a lot of people want to do the helping.

The communal farm would go the same way. 2 or 3 people would farm while everyone else gave ideas on farming. There probably would not be enough food to last the winter and then we would have to eat tree bark or something.

The bonfire would probably be well attended every night, but it would be a dangerous situation to have the embittered so close to the lazy near an open flame. Plus if we are going to have to eat tree bark it is prob not a good idea to waste it every night on a bonfire.

So there you have it. Communist living at its finest. Who wants to live with the tribe?

(To the few of you who will get bunched panties over this: I see you are upset. What feelings can I reflect back to you to make you feel better about this blog? :P)

see also: I really do love most of you. This was written in good fun. :P

Friday, May 13, 2011

On Quick Take Friday- May 13 Edition

7 Random Thoughts

1. Pomegranate schnapps and sierra mist tastes like cranberry sierra mist. Dangerous!

2. Today is Friday the 13th. I have always liked Friday the 13ths. My son was born on a Friday the 13th. I used to have fun slumber parties and watch cheesy slasher flicks on Friday the 13th. I also heart Halloween.

3. Regina Spektor is still extremely awesome. Even if (or maybe because) she makes random dolphin noises in songs.

4. I had a stressful day with my son at the eye doctor today. He needs glasses for hyperopia. I feel bad we never noticed, but I guess it is common not to notice in young kids because they overcompensate with other eye muscles which can lead to lazy eyes or cross eyes. So I am glad we caught everything so we wont have to deal with that down the road.

5. I am going to brag that my kid has been able to read since he was 4. Brag, brag, brag. Like really read, he and his dad read small chapter star wars books together and trade off pages.

6. Yes, I am raising a nerd. I am okay with that.

7. My son and his friends apparently played bounty hunters at preschool. I wonder what their teachers thought of that. When I asked him what bounty hunters did he told me, "There is no where to hide from a bounty hunter." Some day I expect he will grow a mullet and chase people around Hawaii.

Friday, April 29, 2011

On Quick Take Friday: April 29 Edition

7 Random Thoughts

1. I am fascinated with the non-canonical gospels. It is so interesting how some books were canonized and others dismissed. The "who" behind the canonization is also intriguing. A biblical literalist would definitely not agree with me, but I can't help but think some of the omissions/interpretations were made not by God (or by the hand of God) but by man to further specific man's own interest. It is slippery slope though when you start to think about it! So I don't think about it tooooo much. :P

2. I wish my daughter had thick hair. I have always been jealous of people with thick hair and I love to play with hair. I have a feeling doing my daughters hair will be a lot like doing my hair except she doesn't have any curl.

3. Caillou is so whiny.

4. My son is so whiny.

5. I am making my birthday dinner tomorrow. I am making ham, roasted potatoes with a vinaigrette, cheesy vegetable casserole, banana bread, and 2 fake cherry cheesecake (one sugar free for my father in law and one normal). I did all the prep work today so all I really have to do tomorrow is stick stuff in the oven.

6. Ham is probably my favorite meat after bacon. The pig is one tasty animal.

7. Interesting factoid: me, my brother, and my mother in law all have the same birthday.

Thursday, April 28, 2011

On Flashback to Rogers and Hart

Anyone who reads my blog and was in high school Madrigals/Show Choir/*I can't remember what it was called that year* will remember this song we did at the Rogers and Hart Review.

I was sad when I chose to go to Key Club Convention and got a solo from this song taken away because I was going to miss a practice. :(

So here.

I get the whole song this time. :P

Yes, I am and was a major dork!

On Birthers and South Park

New rule.

I am no longer allowed to look at things or people on the internet that I know will piss me off.

Case in point, all this "birther" stuff.

I am not really one to post toooo much on political stuff. I don't find it overly interesting or fun. Plus it is so polarizing and no one ever ever ever changes anyone else's mind.

But I feel like bitching so bitch I will.

According to CNN, before Obama released his birth certificate 1 in fricking 4 people believed that he was not born in the U.S.

One in four.


Despite him releasing the shorter court issued birth record used for passports, despite newspaper announcements, despite people and public figures in Hawaii vowing for him verifying his birth place 1 in 4 fricking people thought there was a vast conspiracy covering up Obama's true birth place.

Even now after releasing the longer birth certificate I have read a whole mess of people on facebook posting about how it must be a fake.

Really?? Reeeeeeally? *Really*? (Imagine me with a disbelieving, sad, I am disappointed face.)

It makes my head hurt to think that people actually think these sorts of things.

I guess the South Park guys are right. 1 in 4 people are retarded.

p.s. spell check wanted me to change "passort" to "assport" and this made me laugh.

Tuesday, April 19, 2011

On What I Learned From the Internet This Week- Adak, Alaska Edition

The internet is a magical place.

Want to know how birds mate? One click away. What to know the history of My Little Ponies? Ask google and you shall receive.

Sometimes the internet takes you on some strange tangents.

A few days ago I decided I wanted to see if I could find the most western city in the US without using google's search. So I pulled up Google maps and began my search "by hand".

Then I gave up and searched google.

As it turns out, the most western and eastern cities in the US are in the Aleutian Islands in Alaska. So if you are ever on Jeopardy and this question comes up, you now know the answer. You are welcome.

Any who, from this search I found out about a little city named Adak, Alaska.

Until 1997, Adak was home to a Navy base. During Naval times, although isolated, it was fairly built up and modern. Home to thousands of people. It had a McDonald's, a new hospital, and newly updated naval housing. Now, 14 years later, it is a relative ghost town. Only about 300 odd people still reside there. The McDonald's is closed, yet still advertises their Jurassic Park Happy Meals in the window. The hospital is closed. The furnished houses have been left to slowly decay and become eroded by the fiercely high winds that the island experiences.

The pictures are eerie. Because the island was so (relatively) recently abandoned, it looks like one of those "end of the world" specials that the History Channel loves to play. Adding to the creepiness is the military aspect of the island. Apparently there was nuclear crap maintained at the island and danger warnings are all over the place.

I found this one the most entertaining.

Remember kids, don't touch bombs!

You can see more pictures of the island here . And a little narrative of some dude's adventure on the island here.

Pretty neat stuff. Anyone want to go on vacation to an abandoned island with me?

Monday, April 18, 2011

On Not Looking At the Sun

Let me tell you a tale.

The tale begins in Arvada, CO. I was a wee lass of 7-8 and we were visiting my great aunt. During this visit there was a heavily publicized solar eclipse. I had heard about it on the news and latched onto one VERY important piece of information.

Perk up your ears everyone, this is important!!! During an eclipse do not look directly at the sun! They make little boxes and glasses if you feel the need to look at it during this time, but for the love of crackers do not look at the sun without such devices.

Now, as an adult, I know that this is not that big of a deal. An eclipse doesn't really last that long and the odds of accidentally looking directly at the sun and burning your retinas to a crisp is very very low. But, as a kid, this absolutely terrified me. I was not just afraid of looking at the sun, but also feared being in any sunlight before or after the eclipse. Who knows? Perhaps this light had magical blinding powers too!

Really, during times of threat it is better to be safe then sorry.

So I found out what time the eclipse was scheduled for and about 30 minutes before hand I camped out in a windowless bathroom with a bunch of toys. I also brought my 3 year old sister with me for her protection and my mom in for MY protection. If eyeballs were going to become a premium commodity after this debacle we were going to need an adult to defend us. At least a couple people in the family would have sight after all this was over. Apparently my dad and brother didn't care about their eyes as I could not convince them to join me.

As I was sitting in the bathroom I imagined all the poor fools who had not hid in their bathrooms were probably wandering around with no eyeballs. I wanted to peek outside and see what was going on, but I didn't want to risk there being any mutant blinding sunlight in the hallway. I didn't hear any screaming and panic, but maybe they were all in shock.

As it turned out, when we exited the bathroom about 15 minutes post eclipse there were no exploded eyeballs anywhere, nor any mutant sunshine.

However, I stayed in the basement away from windows til sundown just to be safe.

Friday, April 8, 2011

On Quick Take Friday- Apr 8 Edition

7 Random Thoughts

1. My kids have cold ass feet an refuse to wear socks on a regular basis. They also enjoy putting their cold feet on me. I am pretty sure this is karmic payback as one of my favorite things to do every night is warm up my cold feet on my husband.

2. I was watching Teen Mom Season finale on MTV a couple nights ago. OMG. I cannot stand Janelle or the blond one with Adam. If Janelle doesn't have some sort of mental illness/ personality disorder I would be shocked. I don't really think the blond one has an excuse for her behavior outside of sheer stupidity and neediness.

3. One of the Teen Mom girls said that they didn't think the show glorified teen pregnancy and that she just didn't understand how anyone could think that it did when they saw how hard all the teen moms struggled. To a point I think she is right. I don't think the content of the show glorifies or makes having a baby early in life easy.

However, all of those girls are getting paid a decent money to have their lives taped. Considering a good portion of them are high school drop outs it is very good money. Add on top of that a lot of them have become tabloid stars and, while the show isn't hyping squirting out a kid at 16 as super easy, it does tacitly imply that it might make you a D-list celebrity and give you a nice income.

You and I know that winning the MTV lottery and earning a spot on that show is slim, but 16 year olds are not known for their superior reasoning skills and impulse control.

4. Some of the births on that show make me sad for the girls and their babies.

5. My husband was telling me the other day that he had heard of a hospital that was employing doulas. Sneaky! Just like hospital birth classes teach you to be a good patient, how much do you want to bet a hospital doula does the same thing? I suppose I could be cynical. It wouldn't be the first time. I would be interested to see the c-section stats from that hospital though.

6. Our power went out last night for 3 hours. I suppose if the power is going to go out midnight is a good time for it to do so.

7. I realized last night as I was about to go to bed that I didn't know if turtles had penises. I know I have never seen one. So I asked my husband to Google it for me since I had shut down my computer. Sadly, he refused.

Wednesday, April 6, 2011

On a Conversation Between Me and My Five Year Old

Overheard on the way to 3 year old's ballet practice...

Me: Your grandpa is in Texas right now.

5 year old: Is that near Florida?

Me: No. It is straight south of here. Your uncle is in Florida right now though.

5 yo: I know that. You don't have to keep telling me stuff.

Me: Well, okay then.

5 yo: He is going to a wedding?

Me: Yes.

5 yo: Will those people have a baby?

Me: The people getting married? I don't know. Maybe.

5 yo: Why did you and dada have babies?

Me: Um.

5 yo: Because you wanted more people to help clean the house?

Me: Uh no. The messes you guys make far exceeds any cleaning you do.

5 yo: I am not messy. (Drops a kleenex on the floor of the car)

Me: Sure.

5 yo: So why did you have babies?

Me: Your dad and I wanted other people to love.

5 yo: But you already had dada.

Me: Well, yeah. But we wanted you guys too.

5 yo: Ahh. So why did you make me first?

Me: (Thinks: OMG, how do I make this conversation stop. Do I go with the scientific reason he came first or cop out?)

Me: Well, God just made you first I guess.

5 yo: Ahh, he knew I liked being first all the time.

Me: So he did.

Wednesday, March 30, 2011

On a Random Sign on a Random Road

I have lived about 2 hours south of my parents since 2001. I make the trek up there every couple of months.

Ever since I have been making this journey there has been a sign on a country road that makes me think every time I drive by it. It is located pretty much in the middle of no where. It is at the corner of a country road in the corn fields of central Illinois. It is a whitewashed board shoved in the ground with scrawling letters and an arrow pointing down the country lane.

The sign reads: Penis Contest ----->


A penis contest?

What happens at a penis contest?

Do penises perform feats of strength?

Is it a beauty contest?


What is happening at this location???

It couldn't possibly be graffiti.

Somewhere, down that lonely country lane, there is a penis winning a gold medal and taking a bow.

Thursday, March 17, 2011

On Why I am not Martha Stewart

I would love to be Martha Stewart. For some reason her demeanor and covert cocky attitude speaks to me. And she makes super cute crap.

Alas, Martha Stewart I am not. But sometimes, like today, I plan to make a half-hearted attempt.

In honor of St. Patrick's Day, I am making corned beef. Not in the crock pot. I am not cheating at all. I peeled the organic carrots and potatoes and measured out the seasonings just like a pioneer woman. Except unlike the pioneer woman I did not raise and slaughter my own cow, my veggies were delivered by Timber Creek, and my seasonings came in a can. I also used an electric stove and a stainless steel pot. So, I guess not really like a pioneer woman at all.

Any who, I planned to cook this beef, but forgot to take the meat out of the freezer to thaw last night, or even this morning.

What would Martha Stewart do?

I have a feeling she would say screw it and make a vegetarian dish or go out to some fancy restaurant.

What did I do?

I dumped that frozen piece of cow flesh into the pot with all the veggies and seasoning and plan to see what come out around 5:30. I hope it is edible.

Maybe I will make a centerpiece out of the carrot peelings.

Martha would be so proud.

Friday, March 11, 2011

On Quick Take Friday- March 11 Edition

7 Random Thoughts

1. My face is almost all healed. It seriously was the better part of a month messing around with it. A word of advice, don't get a strep infection on your face.

2. I think I am going to look like I have a healed over nose piercing on the side of my nose.

3. I tried steel cut oats this morning. I like them better then oatmeal. Much less mushy.

4. My 3 year is still refusing to be potty trained. Yesterday she peed on the floor. Before having kids I used to think I would move if someone peed, pooped, or puked all over my floor. Now, I can't tell you how many times my carpet steamer has cleaned those vile messes. Kids are really gross.

5. I have seen a lot of the logical fallacy Reductio ad Hitlerum on facebook lately. On both sides. Dudes. Just because Hitler liked dogs that does not mean all dogs are bad. Yes, Scott Walker is huge douche, but ethnic cleanser he is not. Yes, Obama wants to promote antismoking bans, but that does not mean he is one step away from erecting concentration camps. It wayyyyy cheapens your arguments to just shout "Nazi" at whomever you are mad at.

6. All these earthquakes lately are sad and scary.

7. It is neat to watch my kids get better at activities they have been participating in this spring. My son has improved a lot in tumbling and my daughter is really picking up ballet. It is cute to hear her repeat all the french terms for the moves she does.

Friday, March 4, 2011

On Hey Dude and Where They Are Now

Go on click the play button.

So my kids were watching Barney on Sprout the other morning and I began to wonder what happened to all the Barney kids. I began contemplating looking them all up on the internet to see what became of them. Then I stopped myself.

Why should I care what happened to the Barney kids? I don't even like Barney. If I am going to waste the time my kids are napping on something it should be worth my time.

That made me think about what shows I did like as a kid, and of course I thought of Hey Dude.

I decided devoting 30 minutes to finding out whatever happened to them was worth it.

And now, I will share it with you. You are so lucky you know me.

Without further ado:

Ted: Duh. He was on Sabrina and Teenage Witch and Blossom (barf). He has aged pretty well and lost a bit of the goofball look. It looks like he is still acting, albeit sporadically and not in anything major.

Melody: Duh again. She is in a bunch of stuff and married to Ben Stiller. She will always be Marcia Brady to me.

Mr. Ernst: Still acting. Married to Dr. Weaver from ER.

Now we get to the hard ones.

Buddy: No acting after the Dude. I think this is Buddy's facebook page. I refuse to ask him though because I am a dork, but not THAT big of a dork.

Brad: Also no acting after turning in her spurs. I am also only pretty sure this is her page since I refuse to ask. She is friends with Buddy so it seems likely. She, like Ted, seems to have aged well.

Danny: He is a mystery. There is an internet rumor he died. There is competing rumor he plays in a bowling league in Tuscon AZ. The last rumor claims he is a car salesman in New Jersey. Who knows. The name Joe Torres is pretty common so take your pic of the many Joe Torres' on facebook.

So there you have it.

Watch out for those man eating jack rabbits and those killer cacti.

On Quick Take Friday- March 4 Edition

7 Random Thoughts

1. This Charlie Sheen stuff is nuts and sad. I have always found him to be a likable character. Even when he was involved in all that high priced hooker business he still managed to come off as a lovable scamp. Now? Not so much. There is lovable scamp and then there is bat shit crazy, and poor Charlie is firmly planted in the latter category.

2. Why do hospitals bother to give you an "unofficial" birth certificate? It is utterly useless. Why can't you just get an official copy before you leave the hospital???? That would be to convenient probably.

3. My son is all registered for kindergarten. He will go full days next year. He is super excited.

4. We started our seeds for our container garden. Peas, beans, and carrots. No tomatoes this year. Tomatoes taste like poison and no one in my family eats them.

5. I bet my mom and dad never thought they would see the day when I would voluntarily eat squash. I also bet they thought I would get pay back for the dramatic reactions to the no thank you bites I was forced to take of squash in my youth. Well, haha on you mom and dad, my kids eat squash. One even claimed to like it! I don't even mind some varieties now.

6. My black cat snores. It is super annoying.

7. I have never liked Kermit the Frog. He is such a a pushover. Why does he even like Miss Piggy? She is always rude to him. Stupid Muppets.

Wednesday, March 2, 2011

On Target Intercoms and Annoying People

Song Prompt Wednesday!

"Gonna get on the microphone down at Wal-Mart
Talk about some shit that's been on my mind"
- Ben Folds, All U Can Eat

How many of you are ever tempted to hijack the intercoms any of the fine retail stores you frequent?

Every time I see one of those phones I want to mess with it.

I have no deep message I want to relay to the masses, I just think it would be funny and help liven up the dull lives of the retail workers.

When I worked at Target we posted the instructions on how to get on the intercom right near the phones so I bet if I investigated I could figure out which magical buttons I need to push.

A girl can dream.


Friday, February 25, 2011

On Quick Take Friday- Feb 25

1. I haven't felt like posting all week because my face was busy having a gross infection.

2. I want to thank the doctor at OSF Prompt Care who totally misdiagnosed my gross face and gave me the wrong antibiotic basically prolonging my misery for 2 days.

3. I non-ironically want to thank the doctor I went to yesterday that seemed to get it right and prescribed 2 different antibiotics that seem to be clearing things up.

4. OMG, face infections are painful. I think the only 2 things that hurt worse were my c-section and cutting my leg open with my bike in 4th grade.

5. I am glad it was not shingles or MRSA, just good old fashioned impetigo. And yes, when my doctor asked me if I knew what impetigo was I answered, "Um, sorta, I saw it once on America's Next Top Model." And I totally loved that she knew which episode I was talking about.

6. How hard is it not to itch something that itches???? OMG my stupid face itches and I can't touch it.

7. Um, on another note, Happy Birthday little sister! You are my favorite 3rd pizza.

Friday, February 18, 2011

On Quick Take Friday- Feb 18 Edition

7 Random Thoughts

1. I took the kids to Menards this morning and got a big girl swing to replace my daughter's baby swing. I also got some chocolate. Why does Menards have chocolate?

2. I want to replace the red rock in our front yard with gray river rock. It is going to be a bit of a pain in the ass though. I want an easy button. I am also going to rip out most of the bushes and plant new ones.

3. I told my daughter to go get some pants out of her drawer this morning and she returned with shorts. Then she asked, "Can I wear these? There is only a itty bitty bit of snow left outside." Um, no.

4. My sinuses hurt.

5. I want to go to Jamaica with my sister next week. Too bad for me. I don not, however, want to wear the tie dye shirts she made. I have never cared for tiedye, even at camp.

6. Why did I think camp was fun as a kid? Those mattresses sucked, the food was cruddy, there was bugs, and you had to shower with other people.

7. When I was on bedrest with my son I found the best program ever made for tv. MTV's Fat Camp. Poor Diane. So funny. I am glad someone made a montage of her more entertaining moments.

Thursday, February 17, 2011

On How Much You Should Explain to a Three Year Old- Part Two

The first blog post in this series was meant to be sort of funny.

This one is meant to be more reflective.

As those who are acquainted with me already know, I am a big supporter of breastfeeding.

The stay at home mom circle I run with is pretty breastfeeding friendly. Contrary to national trends, almost all of my stay-at-home mom friends nurse or have nursed their kids. Even ones who would not identify as AP, for the most part, nurse their kids.

I try not to be to militant about breastfeeding, but it can be hard when you hear LLL leaders and friends telling you advocate, advocate, advocate. And they are right, you can't make breastfeeding the norm without normalizing the act.

In an attempt to normalize breastfeeding at our house I tried not to let my daughter play with bottles. Most that came with dolls got tossed in the garbage. Somehow, though, one slipped through the cracks. Incidentally, my daughter is in love with it. She started exclusively bottle feeding her "girls".

Then one day she told me one day that she was going to go to the store to get "baby milk".

I have no idea where that came from. We have always called breast milk "mama milk" and the kid can't possibly remember having a bottle since the last one she took was when she was, like, 3 weeks old.

I was at a loss. All the lactivists tell you to treat breastfeeding as the norm. I don't really want her to think that you can get baby milk from a store, I want her to think it comes from boobs. But, obviously, you can get formula from the store. So I told her that baby milk doesn't come from a store, it comes from mamas. Then I told her that some mamas can't feed their babies from their breasts so they buy baby milk from the store.

I kind of felt like I should tell her about donated breast milk or something or go into how formula marketing can be evil, but I refrained. I don't think her 3 year old mind can handle all that.

So, how do you treat bottles and dolls at your house?

Tuesday, February 15, 2011

On How Much You Should Explain to a Three Year Old- Part One

I have always been an explainer.

I seldom can just let things go, and like to fill empty quiet space with chatter.

So when my children ask their bazillion questions everyday I try to give legitimate answers to most of them. I try to talk to them like little adults, and not underestimate what they are capable of understanding.

This doesn't always turn out, however, because although I am preeeety sure my kids are smart, I am also pretty sure they aren't geniuses either.

I don't know if sometimes I am talking above their heads, and I am not sure what they really get out of some explanations.


One day I somehow got suckered into explaining how babies were made. I decided to take a scientific approach and told my (then) 2 and 4 year old that babies were made from a cell from each parent. Details included naming sperm and eggs as the cells and telling how they joined together and made a baby in the mother's uterus, which was underneath her tummy.

From this, my son took away that I layed eggs like a chicken, and when he was a baby he lived in my butt. (Hey, butts are underneath stomachs I guess.)

And btw, If your 3 year old kid come home from playing with my 3 year old and know that babies come from sperm and eggs, you are welcome. :P

Friday, February 11, 2011

On Quick Take Friday- Feb 11 Edition

7 Random Thoughts

1. I am freezer cooking today. If I can make myself. I bought supposedly a months worth of food at the grocery store today. We will see how long we can last. Our grocery budget is pretty up there and I think the act of not going to the store every week should help.

2. My husband wrote a blog post today.

3. The 4 things I am freezer cooking today are potato bacon soup, spanish rice w/sausage, pork fried rice, and chili.

4. I got a new lamp this weekend and I heart it.

5. Kindergarten registration starts a the end of this month. Jaw drop. I will have a school age child next year. I am glad I know some nice moms, whose opinions I trust, that have kids that currently go to our elementary school. All the kindergarten teachers are supposed to be good so at least I don't have to worry about getting a clunker. I am pretty sure my son will like school. He is quite a little sponge.

6. I have weird scratches on my arm. I don't remember getting them at all. They just appeared randomly last night. I hope I don't have arm stigmatas.

7. Happy birthday Mom! Since only you and 4 other people read this blog I figure you deserve your own random thought. :)

Wednesday, February 9, 2011

On Physics and Clocking In

Song Prompt Wednesday!

"Our nearest neighboring star is called proxima centuri and it's 4 light years away. We need some bread........but it's really hot outside and I can't be bothered to walk around the corner." - Ben Folds and Nick Hornby, Things You Think

This makes me laugh.

And really, how true.

I suppose it is a good thing people like Stephen Hawking exist to proselytize about physics and the universe, because most of us are just clocking in, or changing a diaper, or going to the store for bread.

Physics has always made my head hurt.

(Oh and doesn't the lady from Pomplamoose kind of look like Justin Bieber?)

Tuesday, February 8, 2011

On Shireland and Crazytown


If you ever lived in northern IL/ the northwestern suburbs and you remember Shireland you have to go look at this website.

Shireland was a kinda sorta amusement park. I remember visiting there in the late '80's. It was an odd place devoted to Shire horses. It was made out of a bunch of tents. One tent had, like, movies and stuff, a few tents had rides, and the big tent had a circus thing going on where the Shire horses put on a show.

Despite the fact that I didn't really like horses I remember really liking the place. So much so, that when my cat had kittens I named the biggest kitten of the litter Shirecat.

Anywho, the place did not last long, but you could still see some of the buildings from the highway until, according to the above website, a fire wiped out the remaining buildings.

The Super Bowl Ads featuring the Clydesdale Horses made me google Shire horses to see how different they were from Shires, which led to me googling Shireland.

Ho-ree Kwap.

Northern Illinois had its very own mini Howard Hughes in its midst!

Apparently the dude who owned and ran Shireland is an eccentric self made millionaire inventor. He is bat crap crazy and created Shireland to be (think Michael Jackson) his childhood playland since he apparently had a crappy upbringing.

He has been involved in a crap ton of lawsuits. He has a ghost town of empty houses and Shireland equipment/structures on his property.

The whole story seems kinda sad and sorrid and I feel sorry for the poor horses that it sounds like go caught in the middle of crazytown.

Shireland then:

Shireland now:

Sunday, February 6, 2011

On Music and Getting Old

They don't make them like they used to.

Every generation says that.

And really it is true. Things change. Sometimes for the better, sometimes for the worse. But very few things are made exactly the same.

I was flipping through channels last night before bed and I stopped on VH1's repeat of Hip Hop Honors. It made me feel really old.

From about '93-'03 (so teenage years and early 20's) I liked pretty much all music, with the exception of country. Rap, R & B, alternative, rock, pop, pretty much any genre was agreeable to me as long as it was "good" music. It was like the music was geared to me. And retrospectively, from a marketing perspective, it probably was.

Around 5 years ago I started to get way more picky. I still like everything from the time period above, but new stuff that comes out I am much more selective over.

And Buddha on a Biscuit, I could not handle most of the Hip Hop honors program. I was amused but the fat guy lifting up his shirt, but not by his music. So I turned the channel to Saturday Night Live. I didn't like whoever was playing. My husband told me it was Lincoln Park. I used to not mind them in 2001 and now I can't stand to watch them do a 3 minute song. And don't get me started on all the autotune songs out there right now. Learn to sing people.

It seems I don't like any new music anymore.

So I will live in my '90's bubble and listen to my Dave Mathews, Barenaked Ladies, and Tori Amos albums.

MTV stopped caring about me about 7 years ago and now even VH1 is forsaking me.

It sucks to grow up. :P

Friday, February 4, 2011

On Quick Take Friday- Feb 4 Edition

7 Random Thoughts

1. Red Rum! Red Rum! *Cough* I mean I am really sick of being snowed in. We finally got out today and as punishment I get the Imapala stuck in the snow drift that was pushed in front of our driveway by the snow plows.

2. I am kind of proud of myself for solving my snow stuck car problem by myself. Go me.

3. I love amazon subscribe and save. It plays both to my love of saving money and of getting packages delivered. Screw Sam's Club. The Walton family gets enough of my money as it is.

4. I am sick of hearing about pox parties. My tongue is red from all the biting. It is not my business.

5. Diet Dr. Pepper has replaced Diet Coke as my favorite fountain beverage.

6. If you missed this segment on the daily show last week you should watch it. Doing crap like that reminds me why I will never be a Republican. Really? This is one of the first bills you try to get through? Oy.

The Daily Show With Jon StewartMon - Thurs 11p / 10c
Rape Victim Abortion Funding
Daily Show Full EpisodesPolitical Humor & Satire BlogThe Daily Show on Facebook

7. I have finally got decorations up on my walls! It only took 6 years. It looks like someone lives here! :P Now I need to get my husband to build me some stuff from Knock Off Wood. Hint hint.

Thursday, February 3, 2011

On Why My 3-Year-Old Is Kinda Like a Cliched Rapper

My 3 year old is a funny girl.

She was very verbal at a young age and I love to brag about how smart and awesome she is.

Like every child she has her quirks.

Her current quirk? At times she kind of resembles a stereotypical 90's/early 00's rapper.

Why you ask?

Let me tell ya.

5 Reasons My Daughter Resembles a Cliched Rapper

1. She pronounces the word yeah, "yee-ah-yah". Think Lil Jon. I live with Lil' lil' Jon.

2. She loves her bling. The more bling the better. She would pee her pants (literally since she is not potty trained) over a chunky gold necklace.

3. She randomly bursts out in rhyme.

4. She has an established rivalry. Some days my house feels like an east coast/west coast feud when she and her brother fight.

5. She really likes money. She has been known to throw pennies in the air. Not 100 dollar bills, but a kid has to work her way up.

Monday, January 31, 2011

On Snow Monkeys and Flings

Pop Quiz Monday!

In honor or Snowmageddon, I googled snow and quiz and this one looked liked it fit the bill.

If we get to much snow I suppose it is possible that our shelters and societal infrastructures might start to fail. If that happens society itself might devolve into our pre-human, primate state.

Ahhhh! I wasn't worried, but now I am.

How will you survive? Will you know which bark to eat? Do monkeys even eat bark?

This quiz will help you out:

Do you have the social skills that every snow monkey needs to survive?

If you fail this quiz I suggest you study up. You never know when we might devolve.

Just don't start to fling your poop too soon. If it turns out we aren't devolving everyone will laugh at you and you will forever be know as the asshole that throws poop at people.

Friday, January 28, 2011

On Quick Take Friday- January 28th Edition

7 Random Thoughts

1. Dehydrated pineapple is delicious and tastes like candy.

2. I learned how to play Super Mario Galaxy 2 to amuse my son. Now I am stuck on 90 stars and I am annoyed.

3. I am attempting to potty train my daughter. Again. I swear it is the worst part of parenting a preschooler. I have no idea how to explain how pee and poop comes out of your ass. It just does. And before it does sit on the potty please. Pretty please? How about if I buy you a toy?

4. None of the underwear I bought her from the first time I tried to train her will fit her anymore. So now I have a pile of 2T underwear that was never worn. The packages were open though so I can't just donate them. Ten dollars worth of underwear down the drain. A casualty of my inability to potty train my kid.

5. I really hate band wagons.

6. I also dislike kool-aid.

7. The Ben Folds concert I went to Tuesday was really good. He played pretty much all of my favorites. The only downside were the dudes that sat in front of us. They smelled like pot and BO. And one of them seemed to have intermittent gas. Mr. Folds playing Bitches Ain't Shit made up for it though.

Here is video from the concert. He is doing some sort of a capella project and we all got to participate. :P

Monday, January 24, 2011

On Preparedness and Raptor Balls

Pop Quiz Monday!

Since it has recently come to my attention that dinosaurs may, in fact, be living somewhere nearby we need to be prepared.

This really can't end well.

I have seen at least 2 of the Jurassic Park movies. (Something tells me I have seen 3, but for the life of me I can' recall the plot. I bet there was dinosaurs in it though.)

First, I guess I will need to give everyone their guns back. Sorry for taking them away. I didn't realize dinosaurs were making a comeback. We will definitely need weapons to fight these dinos. Although, instead of simple rifles I think we should all have rocket launchers. What could possibly go wrong if every citizen was armed with a rocket launcher? Not much!

Second, we need to learn to recognize dinosaurs when we see them. The dinos that are out there now are stealthy. They have been hiding for like, 65 million years. That probably means they are probably dressing up like us and hiding in plain sight. Your neighbor could be a fricking T Rex and you haven't even noticed. Get to know your neighbors and if they are a dinosaur call the police. Let the experts handle this. (Rocket launcher are not safe for neighborhood use.)

Lastly, take this quiz to learn how ready you are for hand to claw combat. At my current preparedness rate I am projected to last less then a minute. That is not even enough time for me to set the scope on my rocket launcher. It appears the key to defeating raptors according to this quiz is to take up wrestling, martial arts, and ball kicking.

I think there might be a flaw in this recipe for raptor defeat though, in that I am not sure if raptors have a ball sac to kick. I have never seen a bird or a reptile with a ball sac so I think dinosaurs might not. I have never really checked though.

I am 99% sure female raptors also lack a sac so ball kicking will probably do nothing against them.

Hopefully following these steps will help us all get a little better prepared for the upcoming rapt(or)ure. Good luck everyone.

How long could you survive chained to a bunk bed with a velociraptor?

Created by Oatmeal

Friday, January 21, 2011

On Quick Take Friday- January 21th Edition

7 Random Thoughts...

1. It is like -4 outside right now. This makes no difference to me because my house is 69 degrees. Plus, once it gets colder then, like 9 degrees, all cold feels the same. At least it feels the same while running from the car to the grocery store. I might sing a different tune if I was living in an igloo.

2. If I lived in a igloo I would be sad.

3. It is not that igloos aren't cool looking, I just think i would have a hard time heating it to almost 70 degrees.

4. Plus, I hate wearing layers. Wearing layers in an igloo seems like it would be a necessity.

5. Why doesn't Mickey Mouse and the Gang chase Pete out of the Clubhouse? He is such a dick. The gang has a monopoly on the area. Clarabelle owns the store, hence controlling the food source. Why not refuse to serve Pete? Is Clarabelle that greedy that she can't refuse a sale? What a cow.

6. Watching my daughter dance is the cutest thing ever. However, if an adult danced like her I might think there was something wrong with them.

7. I wonder how nail biting starts. I don't remember ever not biting my nails.

Wednesday, January 19, 2011

On Music Videos and Youtube

Song Prompt Wednesday!

This is more like video prompt Wednesday.

I love this video. It is one of my all time favorites. I used to love almost all music videos.

I miss them. Remember when even Nickelodeon had a music video program? It was on around dinner time and it was around teh time Madonna released True Blue.

I know I am not is MTV's target demographic any longer, and they don't give a crap about my opinion, but it still makes me sad that they no longer play videos. Even VH1 has forsaken me.

It is not that I don't like trashy reality tv. In fact, I accept my responsibility for helping bring about the beginning of videos' demise. I was a fan of The Real World in the early 90's.

I also liked Sfil and Olly, Beavis and Butthead, Daria, The Tom Green Show. All shows which slowly helped kill the videos also.

So now all we have left is the youtube graveyard.

Classic videos sandwiched between farting cats and 7th graders covering Justin Bieber songs. Sadness

*Imagine Taps in the background*

Tuesday, January 18, 2011

On Letter Writing and a Fourth Grade Me

Recently a friend of mine was sent an anonymous mean letter.

It was nasty and immature, and really, showed more how crappy the person writing it was.

I should know because I am a recovered nasty letter writer.

I was not always the mature bastion of wisdom and benevolence I am today.

Hard to believe, I know.

In fourth grade I went on, what can only be described as, a nasty letter writing spree.

My first foray to the darkside of nasty letter writing was writing a horrid note to a friend when I was worried she was mad at me. This was probably the worst one I wrote. I am still embarrassed by it and sorry for it to this day. Luckily we got to be friends again.

My next trip down letter road involved me convincing half the girls in my class to write a mean note to a poor girl who was not well liked. We all got called out into the hallway by our teacher when she reported us and were told if we kept it up they would call our parents. That was enough to set me straight at school.

Finally (and perhaps the most funny) was a note I wrote to an older neighbor girl after she did something I didn't like. Ironically enough, my partner in crime in writing this letter was the friend who I wrote the first letter to.

One day my friend and I were playing in the front yard with my brother and a neighbor girl.

We were playing happily enough when who approached us but our friendly neighborhood thief/bad news bear/arsonist (he really was arrested and convicted of arson a few years after this).

We told him to go away, but he refused and continued to ride his bike back and forth in front of our house. He really was doing nothing but annoying us. No threats were made.

Neighbor girl's parents were not home, but she was being watched by her older sister. My mom, however, was home. In retrospect, the smart thing to do would have been to call my mom and have her tell this kid to go away.

Hindsight is always 20/20. Instead, our 4th grade minds thought it would be a good idea to scare him away with baseball bats.

So armed with our bats we chase Bad News Bear around our yard and the neighbors yard with baseball bats attempting to hit his tires. Lord of the flies I tell ya.

Eventually neighbor girl's bat made purchase with the tire and Bad News Bear skidded on his bike and skinned his knee.

At this point, neighbor girl's sister came out and yelled at us. I can't imagine why we would deserved such a scolding. Neighbor girl was made to come inside and our pre-bad news bear fun was ended.

Now, this should have ended here right?

Nope. Friend and I decided to express our anger at neighbor girl's sister at having our play date cut short. How could we do this?

We decided the best route was an anonymous nasty letter.

We went to work. We decided that while we wanted to use swear words, we were not sure if wanted to commit the full sin of actually spelling them out. So we used dashes to edit the swear words a bit. Therefore the letter was written it looked something like this:

Dear So-and-So,
You are ugly. We think you smell like sh-t. Dog cr-p smells better then you.
Love, Anonymous

Super mature and nice right? There could not possibly be repercussions for that letter. Who would ever trace it back to us?

We ding dong ditched the letter at their door and went about playing Barbies.

Later that day my friend looked out the window and saw a horrific sight. The mother of the girl we had written the letter to was marching over to my house! And she did not look happy.

Thinking fast, my friend and I decided to barricade ourselves in my mom's bathroom. We were not coming out without a fight! This did keep us from having to face the mad mother of the neighbor girl, but it did not help us from escaping my mom.

Our punishment was the cancellation of our sleepover.

And so ended my nasty letter writing campaign.

When sleepovers are at stake, it is just not worth it.

Monday, January 17, 2011

On Dinosaurs and Young Earth Creation

Pop Quiz Monday!

Okay. So if you read my facebook page you know that lately I have been freaking out over people that truly believe the earth is only like 6,000 years old. Private secular studies estimate 10% of Americans believe this and biased studies estimate 40% of Americans believe this.

Trying to wrap my mind around how people believe this hurts my head. Seriously. To me, these people might as well believe the earth is flat and leaches suck diseases out of people.

My freaking out started out when a group from a local church handed me a pamphlet on a near by private school. Since I like to know all my options for my childrens' education I read the brochure. The first thing that struck me was that they only let girls participate in home ec. The brochure indicated it was taught from a Godly homemaker prospective. Um. That right there crossed them off my list. I don't need my daughter thinking woman can't work if they want to, and I don't need my son thinking woman are his servants.

There was more that knocked the school further and further from my list, but the nail in the coffin was that the school teaches from a young earth creation"science".

Sorry that is not science. Science is not a series of myths made up to explain your world. That is pretty much the definition of religion. Science is not forcing made up evidence to kinda sorta fit your ideas. If you want to teach young earth creation that is fine, but please call it religion or myth, not science.

To quote They Might Be Giants, "A scientific theory isn't just a hunch or guess. It is more like a question that's been put through a lot of tests. When a theory emerges, consistent with the facts, the facts are with science."

Young earth creation? Not consistent with the facts. Like at all. Or even a little.

So for pop quiz Monday we are all going to take a Young Earth Creation Quiz.

Here is a young earth creation point you might want to remember before you take the quiz: Dinosaurs were on the earth the same time as humans (and may perhaps still be hidden around somewhere).

Therefore, if you fail this quiz dinosaurs will probably come to your house and eat you.

Friday, January 14, 2011

On Quick Take Friday- January 14th Edition

7 Random Thoughts on Cake

1. I like making cakes. My dream job is to work at a cake shop. :P

2. My favorite cake is cherry chip with old school funfetti frosting. The kind with colored chips in it, not sprinkles. Sadly, I don't think this frosting exists anymore.

3. Cake is kind of hard to make without eggs. There are lots of substitutes, but the best one for cakes really is enerG Egg replacer. Even if one box is 6 bucks, it will last you forever.

4. Carrot cake is gross, but I eat it if it is served because I love cream cheese frosting. Vegetables do not belong in cake. Or brownies. (I'm looking at you spinach.)

5. I love the band Cake even if my husband hates them and the lead singer only really speak-sings.

6. Tea cakes always make me sad because they are just a tiny bite of cake. I want more damn it.

7. Even though I like making cakes and like reality television, I really dislike all the cake shows on tv. Booo Cake Boss.

Wednesday, January 12, 2011

On Girl Code and Stalking

Song Prompt Wednesday!

"The bitch went nuts.
She photoshopped my face
Onto every boy who'd done her wrong
And then she burned them telepathically
To the brains of all her embittered drones"- Ben Folds, The Bitch Went Nuts.

Girl code is complicated.

If your friend comes to you with a complaint about a boyfriend/husband/dude she dated twice. It is your job as her friend to sympathize.

Even if you don't agree.

That doesn't mean you have to lie exactly, but your obligation is sympathy.

Say you have a friend who stalked Robert Patterson (a la Twilight). You don't like Twilight. You think vampires are silly. But your poor friend is obsessed. She recently was sent a cease and desist letter from Mr. Patterson after sending him a collection of her toe nails as tokens of her undying love.

She complains to you about the injustice of not being able to stalk the love of her existence.

Since you have no ties to Mr. Patterson, your job is to agree that Robert Patterson is an a-hole.

And perhaps suggest a new obsession, like knitting.

Warning, song not safe for work. :P Also includes the c-word if that offends you.

Monday, January 10, 2011

On Guns and Opinions

Pop quiz Monday.

Todays quiz is here.

Know your state's gun laws.

I scored a 70%.

The questions I got wrong were the answers I over estimated the state's common sense and desire for its citizens to be safe.

Since everyone is talking gun laws this and gun laws that today I figured I would throw my 2 cents in.

I am all for taking everyone's guns away.

Gun culture begets gun violence.

I know it is your second amendment right to bare arms, and I know that banning guns will never happen, but I would not shed a tear if our country banned them all.

I can think of absolutely no reason for any civilian Joe Schmo accountant to truly NEED a hand gun. You want a rifle for hunting? Eh. I guess, but really I am fine with taking those away too. Go get your meat at Walmart.

Honestly, this is a gut opinion. I know there are some valid arguments against it. I haven't studied forestry to know what would happen with over population of deer. I haven't studied criminology to know how this would effect organized crime.

But if I truly was Queen of teh World I would totally melt down everyone's guns and make a big statue of myself from the metal as a tribute to my awesome leadership.

Saturday, January 8, 2011

On Weaners and a Public Thank You Note

I think it is official. I have a weaner. As in wean-er. A child who has weaned. :P

This could have been a way more scandalizing post if it was about me having a weenier.

We nursed for 37 months. 18 months of that I was dairy free for her and 31 months I was egg free. It sucked a little, but honestly, it wasn't that hard. It sounds harder to do then it is.

In total I have nursed both of my children 45 months. So, for over 4 and a half years I have nursed. Nearly 15% of my life.

Hopefully this gift I have given to my kids will help them to be smarter, healthier people.

I am right now giving myself a huge, self satisfied pat on the back.

I am awesome.

It was not easy in the beginning. I almost quit multiple times during the first 6 months with my son. It hurt. It sucked. I bled. I added it up and I spent at least about 400 dollars on lactation aids and consultants. Both of my children used nipple shields for abut the first 8-9 months of nursing. It was not always sunshine and roses. Far from it.

But motherhood is about sacrifice and it was worth it.

I was also lucky to have supportive local friends to guide me. Only in a group of lacating mothers is it not considered weird to ask someone to look at your nipple to see if your duct looks clogged. Thank you to all of you. Even if some of us are no longer close.

I was lucky to have a mother who had nursed and could provide first hand support and knowledge. We live in a society where that is becoming more and more rare. Thank you to my mom.

I was lucky to have a supportive husband. Lucky that he was able to support our family allowing me to stay home. If I had had to go back to work when my son was 8 weeks I can guarantee I would have nursed less then 6 months. Thank you to my husband.

It is a little bittersweet, but I was really ready to be done.

My "baby" is growing up.

Friday, January 7, 2011

On My Grandpa's Birthday and What Was Read at His Funeral

In honor of today being my grandpa's birthday, I decided to post the eulogy I wrote for him the night he died a year and a half ago. My aunt read it for me at his funeral.

Here it is:

Although it has been years since I have heard my grandpa sing, I can still clearly hear in my mind his strong, clear, resonating baritone voice. In fact, a good portion of my many memories of him are intertwined with the music he sang. I can picture him belting out “Jimmy Crack Corn” or the first few lines of “When the saints go marching in” as he made me ovaltine during one of my many sleepovers at my grandparents’ house.

I can hear him singing “The Man on the Flying Trapeze” or “This Little light of mine” in the car on the way home from the YWCA where he took my brother and sister and I swimming every Friday for much of our childhood.

If I try, I can hear him sing God Rest ye Merry Gentlemen as he cooked bacon and pancakes in a small condo kitchen during our yearly Christmas vacations to South Padre Island.

When he didn’t know or want to sing the right words he would sub in “do do do’s” sang with such earnestness that it almost seemed like they could truly be the correct lyrics.

He was also known to sub in his own lyrics from time to time. He had his own special version of Jesus Loved the Little Children which paid tribute to the red, and yellow, pink, and green among us. His made up songs were never bawdy, just silly and witty. A gift in and of itself, the talent for being funny and witty without being biting or unkind.

This brings me to perhaps the most outstanding quality my grandpa possessed. He was genuinely kind and giving. Probably the kindest person I have known. He helped people not to make himself look better, or to gain favor in anyone’s eyes, but simply because it was the right thing to do. He demonstrated charity by being cheerfully, quietly, charitable. This charitableness was no doubt directly related to his faith. He had an unshakable belief in God that was peacefully moving and he shared his Christianity with the world through his actions.

It seems hard and somehow kind of impossible to pay tribute to such a great man with a few short words. Especially being that he was much more a man of action then a man of words. I think, maybe, the best homage I could pay him would be to try to pass on his gift of quiet charity and kindness to my children.

I want to end this tribute with a little exercise, if everyone here would humor me. If you can, picture my grandpa’s singing voice in your head. Now I want you to picture him singing these words to one of his favorite old stand-bys. I never knew if the “do do’s” he inserted in this song were there because he never knew the lyrics or because he just plain liked “do’s” better. It’s funny, but I don’t think I have ever heard the “right” words. It was always one of my favorites to hear him sing, and I sometimes find myself singing his version as I do dishes or play with my children.

“Come and sit by my side little darlin’,
Do, do, do, do, do, do, and sweet smiles.
Oh remember the Red River valley.
Up in heaven when life’s race is done.”

Thursday, January 6, 2011

On Quick Take Almost Friday- January 6 Edition

Quick Take Almost Friday!

7 Random Thoughts

1. I have an idea for tomorrow's post so I am doing quick takes today.

2. I get annoyed that my kids don't ever eat the same things. I think they pattern their tastes to be opposite on purpose.

3. My husband is in L.A. all week. When people ask me why he is there I have no idea how to describe what he does. I know what he does, I just have no idea how to describe it to other people.

4. I recently got 3 free coupons for Excedrin Migraine. Free things make me happy.

5. I have not cooked a "real dinner" in the week that my husband has been gone. Unless you count microwaved baked potatoes and pita pizzas as real dinner. Honestly my kids prefer simple (i.e. not mixed together) food so I don't feel like making a complicated dinner for just me.

6. That said, I have stuck with my weight watchers points all week fairly easily. Go me.

7. My son got his first invitation to a birthday party that was not through one of of my friends. This makes me a little verkempt because it means he is growing up and making his own friends. Sadly for my son, his friend's party is on my son's birthday so I think he will miss it.

Tuesday, January 4, 2011

On What My Sims Did This Week and Why I am a Dork :P

My life is boring this week so instead of telling you about me, I thought I would tell you about my Sims.

Sadly, my first Sim died this week. She was a vampire and spent too much time out in the sun. Sims are not very smart. She was a movie star with a 5 star celebrity rating so I am sure all the other Sims around town miss her. She left behind 2 grown twin vampire females and a fiance who crashed my game every time I would try to get him to marry her. He had commitment issues.


However, her twin daughters are doing well. They recently joined a band and are starting to play gigs at dive bars. They are vampires as well. Hopefully they have learned from their mother's mistake.

One of the twins recently gave birth. She ended up having an unassisted home birth because her boyfriend left the house as soon as she went into labor. Luckily all went well. Mom and baby seem to be doing fine.

So ends my brief synopsis of my Sims' week.

Hopefully I will think of something better to write about tomorrow. :P

Monday, January 3, 2011

On Being AP vs. Being Crunchy

Pop Quiz Monday!

Parenting is a competitive sport. In almost any group of moms there is nearly always an undercurrent of contest.

When did your child talk? When did they read? How long did you nurse? How well do they eat? and on and on...

In honor of such contest, for pop quiz Monday I took the quiz, "How Crunchy Are You."

To be honest I was looking for a quiz that rated how "AP Are You?" Because that is my favorite competition evah. All the quizzes I found on this subject, however, were not really a rating of AP-ness, but rather how alternative you parented. As soon as you start asking about vax schedules, cloth diapering, and homeschooling you are no longer rating ap-edness.

Attachment Parenting has 8 ideals and not one of them is about whether you cloth or paper diaper, whether you use Hyland Teething tablets vs Tylenol, or whether you send your kid to preschool vs. homeschool them.

It is a personal pet peeve of mine when people relate all the above issues to being core to attachment parenting.

As it turns out I scored a solid 92 on the crunchy quiz, putting me in the "129-90 Mmm! Love that whole-grain crunch!" category. Which basically means I attachment parent, but am not a dirty hippie. (By the way I love some of my friends who are dirty hippies so this is said in the nicest way possible.)

I think I will save my non-vaxing rant for another day.

And in honor of competing moms, here is a video I created a few months ago on competitive birth.